An insight into my (large) ego

"Knowing others is intelligence;

knowing yourself is true wisdom.

 Mastering others is strength;

mastering yourself is true power." - Lao Tzu, Tao-te-ching.

In my view, from everything I have seen and encountered, arrogance is simply admission and modesty is nothing greater than omission. If the popular consensus were taken into account, the definitions would change the definition of arrogance to pretentious self-belief, and modesty to humble ignorance. With this in mind, let me continue.



I inadvertently strive for importance, I really do. I even have a blog. My imagination takes the better of my rationale and implants scenes of other people, who I deem important themselves and I highly regard, speaking about me. In some scenarios, they speak of praise, indifference or of contempt - but about me, nonetheless.

When I see my name anywhere, be it juxtaposed with another name, stuck between letters forming a different word, within somebody elses name or what have you; I get excited. The prospect of other people discussing is naturally and instinctually pleasing to my mind, it is happy to contemplate such things. Sometimes I imagine negative conversations too, but my mind is still content with the conversation's subject-matter.

Sometimes, I would like to think that I have undergone adventures that somehow make me feel special. It was soon obvious that travelling abroad did not help this aspect of my personality. I love the possibility of being different, chosen, the centre of attention. Just the prospect: in the actuality of this event I think I appear bashful, uncomfortable and not myself. If anything, it would seem that I hate it.

Also in the past, I have contemplated scenarios where I would be undeniably special for a myriad of reasons; terminally ill, in a coma, or the classic - at your own funeral. It seems in my imagination, I would enjoy the attention and importance. Though my reasoning highlights that such things should not be sought after.
What is my defence for this pretension?

This highlights my ego's desire to be important, special, extraordinary and above all in the centre. Central to other people's lives, their thoughts, conversations and feelings.
To understand this, I have inversed a few things. Logically, to want something, you must not have it at that time. One cannot want what they already have, unless they desire more of it. Therefore it is the case, in reality, that I do not feel important, I am not special, I am ordinary and I am in the extreme margins of the world's events and concerns that to claim I am of central importance is absurd and deserves ridicule.

It is forced upon me, the desire to be imporant - it is not my chosen wish or desire. If anything, my philosophy so far dictates that importance doesn't even exist. It is the uncontrollable part of my ego which drives me to imagine these scenarios, to dream up conversations of which I am the subject.

I naturally seek importance in a world where importance means nothing. This is absurd.

I do not mean that the society I live in denies importance, in fact it creates some strange form of pseudo-importance which, according to myth and legend, is equally attainable by all. What I mean is that ultimately importance does not exist.

If it did exist and I was important but only to a few, does this mean that I am less important than someone who is important to a great deal of people? What if I matter more to fewer people, and the other person matters less, but to a far greater number. Who is more important?
Even if this could be resolved by some quantitative/qualitative importance calculator - does it matter? Anyone you are important to, or anything you are important for, will eventually die or be destroyed. Their own unimportant life taken away as well.

In this nihilistic, yet logical, way I see no reason to suppose that importance can be achieved or that it is a worthwhile pursuit.

That is what is absurd about my desire, and, dare I say it, our desire, to be important, regardless to how many or for what reason. We desire what can not be achieved - even if we know it can't be, our ego still commands us to seek it out. Negating our own desire doesn't prevent it's genesis, simply it's consequence.

Regardless of what I reason, what I value or what I conclude: I still can't control entirely what I want. Or to a large extent, what I think. I can, however, have the final say on what I do.